he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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