My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
