guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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