clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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