I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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