My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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