just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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