How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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