i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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