you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
