i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
