Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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