I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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