He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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