i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
