the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
