I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
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Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
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MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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