I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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