she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
