My room smells like vodka and shame
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
