I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
