Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
