My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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