You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
