I'd wear matching sweaters with you
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
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