you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
