I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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