whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
