I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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