remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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