i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
