Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
