By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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