You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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