1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
