Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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