Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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