see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
