Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
