Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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