I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
