I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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