I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
