we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
