I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
even my farts smell like vagina
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
