I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
