New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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