Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
