i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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