good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
