Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Randomize
