And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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