He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.