it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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