i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
