Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
