this just has baby written all over it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
