oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
