Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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